The Veríssimo Project

-I have never been unfaithful to my wife, doctor.
-Yes.
-I've never even had another woman. I was a virgin when I married.
-Right.
-But, from the very beginning, when I was with her, I thought of another woman. It was the only way I could, you know? Function.
-Function?
-Make love. Sex. You know.
-Right.
-At first, I thought of Gina Lollobrigida. Do you remember Gina Lollobrigida? Then, for a while, I thought of Sofia Loren. I closed my eyes and imagined those breasts. That mouth. And Silvia Mangano. I had a Silvia Mangano phase also. Great thighs.
-Great.
-Sometimes, to mix things up, I thought of Brigitte Bardot. On Saturdays, for instance. But for the day-to-day, or night-to-night, I stuck to the italians.
-There is nothing abnormal about that. Many men...
-Of course, doctor. And women too. How can I be sure she wasn't thinking of Raf Valone the whole time. At least they are the same race.
-Continue.
-I had my american phase. Mitzi Gaynor.
-Mitzi Gaynor?!
-Goes to show. And Jane Fonda, when she was younger. Some Playboy bunnies. I had my nationalist period. Sonia Braga. Vera Fischer. Then it started.
-What?
-Nothing would do it for me anymore. I had to start thinking of all women possible. I closed my eyes and concentrated. Nothing. I couldn't, couldn't...
-Function.
-Function. And we were already in the Upseola phase.
-Upseola?
-It was one per week. But nothing worked. Until one day I thought of a vacuum cleaner. And I was excited. For some reason, that image excited me. Another day I thought of a '48 Studebaker. It worked. So I had my objects phase. I tried to think of the strangest things. Wooden eggs. That worked twice. Purple pencils. The Statue of Liberty. The Rio-Niteroi bridge. All these worked. When my wife came at me I started, desperately, to browse this imaginary catalogue of things I could think about. The Kaiser's helmet. No. A semi-automatic Singer sewing machine. Nope. An accordion! Mmm, yes, an accordion, a tempting accordion, hot and sweaty... But after a while, the objects phase passed. I tried animals. Historical figures. Nothing worked. Then, all of a sudden, a figure appeared in my imagination. An older woman. Graying hair. Brown eyes... And when I thought of this woman, it excited me. Even more than once a week. Even Mondays, doctor!
-And that phase passed?
-Nope. Still in that phase.
-So, what's the problem?
-Don't you see, doctor? The woman I described. It's her.
-Who?
-My wife. My own wife. Help me, doctor!