Ron and Nancy went to bed at their usual time. Ron grabbed his book. But Nancy, apparently, wanted to talk.
- Honey...
- Mmmm?
- You know what day it is?
- Thursday.
- Of the month.
- Oh... eighteenth.
- And?
- And, what?
- Think about it. It's an anniversary.
My God, thought Ron. I forgot our wedding anniversary again, like last month. But if it had been last month, it couldn't be now. It also wasn't her birthday, was it?
- What anniversary? - he asked.
- Of something that happened years ago...
- Many years?
- Before we got married.
- I can't remember.
- On the couch in my house.
- On the couch?
- Now you remember?
Could it be? Nancy was now on to this. He forced a smile, made an indiscernible sound and opened his book. But she insisted.
- Honey...
- Mmmm?
- Let's celebrate?
- Let's - sighed Ron, placing the book on the side table.
He turned to his wife. They kissed. The Ron picked up the book again. Nancy objected:
- That's it?
- That's it, what?
- Just a kiss, Ron?
- If I remember correctly, that night it was just a kiss.
- Yes, but...
- I insisted, but you didn't want to.
- But Ron!
- Didn't I insist? Didn't I ask for more than just a kiss? And what did you say?
- I said "no".
- Your exact words. "No".
- But then I relented, Ron.
- Two months later. Two and a half!
- Oh, Ron...
- No.
- So let's celebrate what happened those two months later.
- I am very strict about anniversaries. It has to be the right day!
The doorbell rings and the man goes to open the door, before which he does a little jig. At the door is a woman. In this case "woman" is a euphemism, she is more than a woman. If God were to present his best work for a contest, He would send her. I have to remember that for later, he thinks.
- Hi - she says.
- Hi. Come in.
She walks in and looks around.
- Am I the first?
- No. Since I was fifteen I have... Oh, you mean the first one here. Yes.
- It's pretty, your apartment.
- Now that you're here it is.
- What?
- Pretty?
- Mmmm.
This dialogue, he thought. What dialogue! This showed promise.
- Let me take your coat and purse...
She hands them over. He stands next to her. She says:
- I'm not taking anything else off...
-Oh. Right, right.
He puts the coat and purse away. She examines the living room. On the coffee table there is a bucket of champagne on ice along with two long glasses. The man returns. The woman says:
- Didn't you say there was a party?
- Wherever you are, there is.
- But you said there would be guests.
- Yes.
- I only see two glasses.
- Yes.
- And what about the others?
- What others?
- The other guests.
- Mmm. Ah. Yes, well, if they arrive, I'll...
- "If"? You mean they may not come?
- They may have forgotten.
- They may have forgotten to come to the party?
- I may have forgotten to invite them.
- I get it. The "party" is just the two of us.
- I prefer small groups, don't you?
The timing. The insistence. And nobody's recording this! The woman smiles and spins in the middle of the room. Her white dress twirls around her. What legs, what a night! He pours champagne. She speaks.
- I'm warning you...
- What?
- Tonight I'm Cinderella.
- Cinderella? Why?
- Up until midnight I will act like a lady...
He raises his eyebrows and asks:
- And at midnight?
She pushes him away with her hand.
- At midnight I run away.
- There's no reason to worry. If you're Cinderella, I'll be your servant, your driver, your slave.
- Then pour me more champagne, servant.
He pours, thinking: "I hope she says the bubbles in the champagne tickle her nose..."
- The bubbles in the champagne tickle my nose...
- I do that too, and I'm not champagne.
- What?
- Tickle your nose.
- I don't get it.
- Forget it, nevermind.
You can't win 'em all, he thinks.
- Don't you want to see my library?
- Sure.
- Come here. Bring your glass.
- But wait... That's your bedroom.
- My library is in the bedroom. Those two books next to the bed.
- Then bring it out here.
- The bed?
- The books.
He puts his arm around her waist. They spin and fall on the couch. He grabs the bottle of champagne and pours just a little more.
- I think you're trying to get me drunk...
He says this.
- If you already opened the champagne, what are we going to open at midnight? - she asks.
- Maybe a zipper or two.
I have to remember that one to tell the guys later, he thinks. From somewhere in the apartment we hear Frank Sinatra.
- It's midnight.
- How do you know?
- My cuckoo.
- I thought it was Sinatra...
- Doesn't it sound just like him? He even wears the same kind of hat.
She tries to get up off the couch.
- Time to go...
- You're not going anywhere, Cinderella.
- But didn't you say you were my servant?
- I did.
- Well, I am ordering you to take me home.
- No.
- Why not?
- Because it's midnight and I turned into a rat! Happy New Year.
Half an hour later she is naked, under the sheets, and he sits at a desk in the bedroom, writing.
- Aren't you coming? - she asks.
- Just one second. I am taking some notes so I don't forget later. When you said the champagne tickled your nose, what did I say again?
John was tired when he got home and said to his wife, Mary, that he wanted to take a bath, have dinner, and go straight to bed. Mary reminded John that that evening they had plans to have dinner with Peter and Louise. John slapped his forehead, cursed and declared that he would not, under any circumstances, go have dinner at anyone's house. Mary said that the dinner had been scheduled a week before and it would be rude not to go. John restated his intention to stay home. Mary was burdened with the task of calling Louise and giving an excuse. They could reschedule for the next night.
Mary called Louise and said that John had come home not looking very well, feverish even, and that she thought it best he stay home and rest for the night. Louise told Mary it was a shame, for they had prepared a beautiful Blanquette de Veau, but it was alright. John's health was the most important thing. They rescheduled for the next night, if John felt any better.
John took a bath, had dinner and went to lie down. Mary sat in the living room and watched television. Around nine there was a knock at the door. John, awake in the bedroom, unable to fall asleep, groaned. Mary, already in her nightgown, went to the bedroom to get her robe. John suggested they not open the door. At that time it had to be something annoying. He would have to get out of bed. Let them knock. Mary agreed. She did not open the door.
Half an hour later, the phone rang, waking John. Mary answered. It was Louise wanting to know what had happened.
- What? - asked Mary.
- We were there a second ago, we knocked and knocked but no one answered.
- You were here?
- To check on John. Peter said that he had been feeling the same symptoms for a few days and wanted to give him some tips. What happened?
- You're not gonna believe this - said Mary, thinking quickly. - John took a turn for the worse. I tried calling a doctor but couldn't get a hold of anyone. So we went to the hospital.
- What? So it's serious.
- The fever got worse. He started feeling pains all over his body.
- Red spots on my face - suggested John, who was now by the phone, apprehensive.
- His face was covered with red spots.
- Oh my God! Has he had chicken pocks, measles, those things?
- Yes. The doctor said he had never seen anything like it.
- How is he now?
- Better. The doctors gave him something. He is in bed.
- We are coming right over.
- Wait!
But Louise had already hung up. John and Mary looked at each other. What now? They couldn't have Peter and Louise over. How would they explain the disappearance of the red spots?
- We can say the medicine the doctor gave me worked miraculously. That I'm better. That we could even go out and get something to eat - said John, with remorse.
- They won't buy that. I think they're already suspicious. That's why they're coming over. Louise didn't believe a single word I said.
They decided to turn off all the lights in the apartment and put a note on the door. John dictated to Mary.
- Write this: "John took a turn for the worse. The doctor thought we should bring him in. Will call from the hospital."
- They might go to the hospital after us.
- They won't know which hospital.
- They will call every one. I know it. Louise would never forgive a missed Blanquette de Veau.
- Then write this: "John took a turn for the worse. The doctor thought we should bring him in to his private clinic. The phone number is 236-6688."
- But that's the phone number to your office.
- Exactly. We'll go there and wait for their call.
- But by the time we get to your office...
- We have to go!
They left the note stuck on the door. They pressed the elevator button. It was already on the way up. It was them!
- The stairs, hurry!
Peter's car was blocking the parking lot exit. They couldn't use their car. It took them a while to catch a cab. When they got to the office, after spending most of the time explaining to the security guard why they had to go in the office in the middle of the night, the phone was ringing. Mary pinched her nose to disguise her voice and answered:
- Fairmount Clinic.
"Fairmount?!" John fell into an armchair, exasperated.
- One moment, please - said Mary.
She covered the mouthpiece with her shoulder and said that it was Louise. The nerve! The things we do to keep a friendship. And to not look like a liar. Mary got back on the phone.
- The patient is in room 17, but is not receiving any visitors. Miss? One moment please.
Mary covered the mouthpiece again.
- She wants to talk to me.
She answered in her normal voice.
- Hello, Louise? Yeah. We're here. No one knows what it is. The red spots are all over his body now and his nails are turning blue. What? No, Louise, there is no need for you to come down here.
- Say it's contagious - whispered John, who had laid his head back and was trying to fall asleep.
- It's contagious. I can't even go near him. Actually, they are evacuating the whole clinic and putting barriers around the block. They suspect its an african virus that...
With time, the couple developed a code to communicate from afar in social situations. When he rubbed his nose it meant "let's leave". When she tugged her left earlobe it meant "be careful," usually his cue to change the subject of conversation. Pulling at her right earlobe meant "stop drinking". If he then spun his wedding ring around his finger it meant "don't be a pain". If she then proceeded to scratch her chin, it was "you're gonna pay".
That night, there was some confusion over the signals. Later on, at home, she yelled: "Didn't you see me practically rip my left ear off?!" He was supposed to have changed the subject, but he had been drinking and confused the left ear with the right and thought the message concerned his drinking. Thus, while spinning his ring around his finger, he continued to tell the story he had heard, laughing. The one with the broom.
It happened during Carnaval. The woman came back from the beach early, in the middle of the night, and walked into her husband as he left the house, in a sarong. If he had not been wearing a sarong, he would have made up a story to justify the fact that he was leaving the house in the middle of the night. A sudden craving for a pastel, a sick friend, anything. The sarong made any excuse inviable. You can't explain a sarong, you can't deny it. The sarong is the limit of tolerance and civilized dialogue. And, seeing as dialogue was an impossibility, the wife got physical. She went inside to grab the broom. And ran her husband into the house while swinging at him with a broom. With a broom!
- Didn't you know that that story you told happened to them? With the couple that owns the house! the woman was now yelling. You moron!
- How was I supposed to know? I didn't get any names when I heard the story.
- And I was pulling on my ear like an idiot!
Later, in bed, he rationalized:
- They had it coming.
- What?
- She did. You don't hit a man with a broom.
- Oh yeah? And the sarong?
- Doesn't matter. Nothing excuses the broom.
- I don't know...
- She could hit him. But not with a broom.
Irate, as if establishing a dogma:
- Not with a broom!
So the woman said that the worst was over, the damage was done, what they had to do was go over the code, so that that kind of thing didn't happen again.
- No, Hun. Stop.
- Baby...
- Don't insist.
- And why not?
- Just don't.
- You don't love me.
- Don't be stupid. I do. I just think we need to take it slow. Give time time.
- Give time ti... But the world is ending!
- Don't be dramatic. Just because I don't want to doesn't mean the world is ending.
- But the world really is ending! Don't you read the papers? It's coming to an end. There is no time for antyhing.
- Don't exaggerate.
- Exaggerate?! We have to enjoy life now. Today. Do everything, try everything...
- Stop, I told you.
- Listen, what about the comet?
- What about the comet?
- The comet is a sign. You think the comet's out there by chance? It's a sign. The end is near. The end could very well be tomorrow!
- Let go. I'll leave.
- Ok. Just tell me one thing. What about the crisis?
- Which one?
- Exactly, which one? Everything is in crisis. There's not enough paper, meat..
- Tin.
- Tin, vegetable oil, gasoline, construction material. You know how we'll end up?
- Now you're mad.
- You know how we'll end up? Digging for roots. Yes. You and me fighting over a root, over chives. Water, there'll be no water, it'll all be contaminated. And I'm being optimistic, because...
- Don't get worked up, Hun.
- Because there could be another war at any moment! Then...
- Honey...
- And you wanna give time some time. That's rich. Before the end of the year we'll be fighting over sewer rats. Yup. And whoever wins has to eat it raw. There'll be no more wood to burn. And it will be like that for everyone.
- Come here. Calm down, sit. Sit back.
- Give time time. It has to be now. Quick. Enjoy while we can.
- You're right. I'm convinced.
- Sewer rats, you hear? And no salt, there'll be no salt either. Wait, you're convinced?
- You convinced me. Now I want to. You're right, we have to enjoy life while we can, before the crisis takes over. Come on.
- Hold on a second.
- Come on. Weren't you dying to?
- I was, but now I'm a little depressed.
He said:
- But, Land Reform...
She said:
- You gonna tell me you're against it?
He tried bailing:
- It's a complex issue.
She insisted:
- Hold on a sec.
- Gimme a kiss, girl.
- Wait. This is important. I want to know.
- What?
- Land Reform. Are you against it?
- Why? Are you for it?
- Obvie.
- You want the old man to have his land taken from him and given away?
- Your father owns a lot of land?
- Tons.
- I did not know that!
- There is a lot about me you still don't know, sweetheart. Come here and I'll show you...
- Wait. Seriously.
- Gimme some...
- Seriously though, shit.
- Ok. What do you want to know?
- Your dad. How many hectares does he own? Or acres? Is it hectares or acres?
- I dunno. I've never been out there.
- How many?
- Lots.
- More or less?
- Look, they can get in a jeep at the farm in the morning, drive all day and not reach the end of our lands...
- Jesus!
- The jeep always breaks down. Now gimme a kiss, please...
- Stop.
- Come here, woman!
- No. Look, I just never thought...
- What? That my dad is a farmer? How do you think I am paying for school? And the car? And the apartment? And our engagement rings?
- Does he own unproductive land?
- Yes. It's exactly the land that he is keeping to give to us when we get married. It's our land, honey.
- But... what about your speech?
- Well...
- Even I thought it was a bit radical. And you know I lean to the left...
- Let's not fight over this.
- But, the things you're always talking about... Social justice...
- Yes.
- The insensitivity of the rich in this country...
- I stand by it.
- The absurdity of the landless in a country this big...
- Absolutely.
- Ok. The other night. At this very bar. You said that all private property is theft. I thought that was so inspiring...
- The phrase just popped into my head. Now, listen...
- And now you tell me you are against Land Reform.
- I am not against Land Reform. Theoretically, I am for it.
- So then...
- Don't you get it? Now it's not theory. Now it's the old man's land!
She (young, beautiful, alone) had just finished rubbing tanning oil on her arms, after applying it to her legs, thighs and face. She looked around. A few meters from her, sitting on the sand, a man read the newspaper. No one else was around. She examined the man carefully. Wedding ring? Yes. Married. Thirty, Thirty-five. Definitely not ugly, though his nose was a tad long. She spoke:
- Why were you staring at me?
Startled, he turned towards her.
- Are you talking to me?
- Why were you staring at me?
- I’m sorry. I was not staring at you.
- Why not?
He laughed, not knowing what to say.
She continued:
- What do you want?
- Me? Nothing.
- Are you sure?
- I can assure you that…
- Nothing at all?
- Nothing. I swear.
- You weren’t imagining that fate placed us here, side by side on the same beach, with something in mind, a plan for us? You never considered saying a word to me? Asking me out? Having an affair?
- Nope. Not at all.
- Do you find me repulsive?
- No! Really. It’s just that…
Here it comes, she thought. He’s gonna tell me he’s a homosexual. Or impotent. Or, my God, that his wife died yesterday! But all he says is:
- Look, the last thing I am looking for right now is emotional involvement, ok? Don’t take this the wrong way. You are a very attractive girl. I’m just not interested.
Perfect, she thought. Just one more thing:
- Is your wife around?
- My wife? No.
Perfect. She got up, walked over to him, sat down beside him and asked:
- Will you rub oil on my back?
- Hello?
- Russ, let me talk to Moira.
- What?!
- I know she’s there. Put her on the phone.
- Michael, have you lost your mind? Why would Moira be here at this hour?
- I just wanna talk to her, Russ. I’m not gonna fight, I won’t make a scene…
- What is this? Do you have any idea what time it is?
- I’m sorry if I interrupted anything, but I need to speak with Moira.
- Michael. Listen. It’s three o’clock in the morning, I’m sleeping, there’s no one here with me, especially not… C’mon, Michael! What do you think I am? You and Moira are my best friends!
- But Moira’s not just a friend, is she, Russ? I know. I know about you two.
- You’re crazy! Michael…
- Let me talk to her!
- You know something. Go f… Look, if Moira isn’t home, it’s not my problem. She’s not here.
- You don’t know this but I saw you buying the earring at the market.
- What earring?
- I saw it! And the next day Moira was wearing it!
- And she told you I gave it to her?
- She didn’t say anything. I saw it!
- Michael…
- You really want me to make a scene? Fine. I’m coming over. Let’s make a spectacle of this, Russ. Cuckolded husband, gun-in-hand… Get ready.
Michael hangs up. Russ sits and thinks for a second. Robert, on the bed next to him, says nothing. Finally, Russ speaks. There is no anger in his voice. Only disappointment.
- You and Moira, Robert?
- Why me and Moira?
- The earring I bought you. She has it.
- They’re probably just similar.
- Please, Robert. Don’t lie to me.
- Ok, ok. I gave the earring away. But not to Moira, to Lisa.
- To Lisa?
- Yeah, to Lisa, my wife. I swear.
- And Lisa gave it to Moira.
- You think?
- Do you know where Lisa is right now, Robert?
- Should be home, why?
- Because Moira isn’t home.
- You think Lisa and Moira…
- You better go, Robert. I’m expecting someone.
- Who?
- Michael. He’s coming to kill me.
- I’ll stay.
- You’ll leave.
- Fine.
Robert gets out of bed and gets dressed to leave.
- Robert…
- Yeah…
- You didn’t like the earring?
“I am becoming accustomed to the idea of considering every sexual act a process in which, at least, four people are involved.” S. Freud
- Try to relax…
- Sorry. It’s just that there’s a part of me that, you know? Stays out of it, distanced, watching it all. A part that can’t give itself to you…
- I understand.
- It’s as if there’s a third person in bed.
- Right. It’s your superego. Mine is also here.
- Yours too?
- Of course. Everybody has one. The trick is learning to live with him.
- If only he would close his eyes!
- Calm down. I know how you feel. In these cases I always imagine that my mother is present.
- Your mother?
- Yup. She’s in bed with us too.
- Have you seen a shrink?
- I see one, actually. Now that I think about it, he’s also here.
- Who?
- My analyst. In bed. My God, next to my mother!
- My father is here…
- Your father, too?
- My superego and my father.
- Your superego and your father could be the same person.
- No, no. They’re definitely two. And they won’t stop staring at me.
- But sex is such a natural thing!
- Tell them.
- Actually, isn’t it? We aren’t even ourselves. I am what I think I am, I am as you see me…
- And we also are what we think we are to others.
- In other words, each one of us is actually three.
- Four, if you count who we really are.
- But who are we, really?
- I dunno. I…
- What a second. Let’s go over this again. On your side you have you, your superego, your father… – that’s three right there.
- And on yours there’s you three, your mother and your analyst.
- And my superego.
- And your superego.
- Anyone else?
- And Jimmy.
- Who?!
- My first boyfriend. He was the one that…
- Hold on a sec. Not Jimmy.
- But…
- Get Jimmy off this bed.
- But…
- Either Jimmy leaves, or me and my crew leave!
Paul and Dee invited Lana and Antonio for dinner at their house and then to watch what Paul referred to as “a lil porno” on the VHS. Antonio went against his will, whereas Lana didn’t see any harm.
- I don’t see any harm.
- C’mon, Lan!
- What’s the problem?
- I dunno – said Antonio, who didn’t want to be a party pooper, but c’mon!
They barely knew Paul and Dee. He eventually agreed on one condition.
- If this thing involves a midget or a goat, I am walking out!
When he put the tape in the player, Paul winked and said, “This one stars Mike McGee.”
- Ahh, Mike McGee – said Antonio, as if he knew who that was.
- Is he good? – wondered Lana.
- Watch – said Paul.
Dee chimed in:
- Just watch.
In the car, on the way home, Lana was silent. Antonio had already dissed the food (“Strogonoff, in this heat?”), dissed Paul (“He cuts out articles from the Christian Science Monitor, did you see?”), even dissed the dog (“Annoying”) and Lana remained silent, pensive. Finally Antonio said:
- How ‘bout that Mike McGee?
And Lana:
- Crazy, right?
Antonio looked at her from the corner of his eye.
- That could be a trick, you know?
- Trick? How?
- A trick. Make-up. It could be fake, rubber.
- I don’t think it was.
- The guy is an imbecile. C’mon, be serious. He looks retarded. Don’t you think?
- Not really.
- Oh come on, Lan. Could you imagine someone like that… someone like that…
- What?
Antonio searched for words. Finally he said:
- Reading Rilke?
Lana exuded disdain.
- I don’t know what good reading Rilke has brought some people…
I knew we shouldn’t have gone, thought Antonio.
The last time they had seen each other one was trying to bash the other over the head with a bat, while the other attempted to defend himself by throwing wild punches at the first. One yelled, “Communist!” and the other yelled, “Fascist!” But this was years ago. Now here they are, years older, at the same old dive bar. They had greeted each other discreetly. Embarrassed. After a few minutes of hesitation, the one invited the other to have a seat at his table. What the hell, it was ancient history.
The fight had occurred when they were both students. They were friends, but had different ideas. It was a tumultuous time. One day they found themselves on opposite sides of a political protest. One was against and one was in favor of something or other. They were young and impulsive. They cursed at each other. At which point the one attacked the other, bat in hand. Different times. Different hormones. They hadn’t spoken since.
- Are you still in that thing?
- Thing?
- Yeah, what was it? Castrated Christians against something or other.
- Christian Crusade against Communism. No.
- Does it still exist?
- I don’t know. You?
- Me, what?
- Are you still a communist?
- Ha!
It was an answer. The other asked:
- Does it still exist?
- Communist? There’s a couple. But the Russian police has their addresses already.
- Were you militant?
- See this right here? Police. Billy Club.
- It wasn’t me?
- No, you didn’t get me with that ridiculous bat. Christian Crusade… you’re nuts, man.
- And you? With all your fanaticism talk. Marx, Trotsky, Gorki.
- Gorki? What Gorki?
- I don’t know. That litany.
- Nope, litanies are your thing. You’re the fanatic. Religious fanatic.
- Was.
- You left the Church?
- Long time ago. Disillusioned. I was full of doubts. Lost my faith.
- That’s similar to what happened to me. The few certainties I had were lost with everything that happened in Eastern Europe. And Russia. You can’t believe anything these days…
- It’s better this way. We are mature. Rational. Regaining reason is one of the benefits of old age.
- What are the other benefits?
- Haven’t found them out yet.
Before they realized it they were toasting their renewed friendship and exchanging information about their families and discovering that their meeting at that bar had not been that much of a coincidence. They were both waiting to attend the talk given by Rangar Krisnamon on his first visit to Brazil. They were both Rangar Krisnamon’s disciples! Both had read “The Inside Eye” and “My Lives,” both possessed the Regenerative Amulet. They removed from their respective pockets the thin container which held a strand of Krisnamon’s beard, which they lightly dragged over their bodies, reciting the Millennial Prayer:
- Oam, patapai
- Oam, patapai.
Then the one looked at his watch and suggested they head towards the auditorium, which would soon be crowded, for they both longed to be close to Krisnamon and, if possible, touch his feet. For it is said that he who touches Krisnamon’s feet will be filled with Unique Truth, like a pitcher of Unique Truth, and they left the bar in each other’s arms.
Daphne could not believe her ears. Her left ear, specifically, through which she heard Peter Vest-Pocket’s voice, on the phone.
- Daphne, are you there? It’s me, Peter.
When she finally regained her senses, the small and lively Daphne – that’s how she had been described as a debutant in Tattler a few years back – did her best to control her voice.
- You mean the dirty, betraying, disgusting, lacking all decency and character, stupid, despicable Peter Vest-Pocket?
- The very same. It’s good to know you still love me.
- You, you…
- Try pig.
- Pig!
- See, that’s why I left you, Daphne. You always do what I tell you to do. It was like living with a german shepherd. Now, calm down.
- You fucking pig!
- Ok. Now take it easy. Ask yourself why I’m calling you after two years.
- I couldn’t care less. And it’s been two years, two weeks and three days.
- I need you, Daphne.
- Peter…
- I do. I know I was an asshole, but I’m not proud. I am sorry.
- Oh! Peter. Don’t fuck with me…
- Daphne, do you remember that week in Taormina?
- Do I…
- The jasmines in the hotel lobby? The olives and white wine at dusk in the café by the piazza?
- Peter, you’re making me cry…
- And that time we went skinny dipping, in the moonlight, and that security guard asked for our papers, and the three of us started laughing and he ended up taking his clothes off too?
- No. I don’t remember that.
- Well, must have been another time then. And that bed and breakfast in Rapallo, Daphne?
- Oh! The old man with the accordion, who only played Torna a Sorriento and Tea for Two.
- And that birthday party we mistakenly went to where I ended up doing my Maurice Chevalier with laryngitis impression.
- Peter…
- Remember the stuffed red pepper Signora Lumbago made, in Rapallo?
- I can almost taste it.
- What was that secret ingredient she used, which she refused to tell us until we threatened to tell her husband about the affair with the waiter?
- It was.. hold on.. it was basil.
- Are you sure?
- Yes. Oh, Peter, Peter… I just can’t stay mad at you…
- Great. Thanks, Daphne. We should meet up sometime. Bye.
- Bye?! BYE?! You said you needed me, Peter!
- I did. I’m making that stuffed red pepper for a lady friend and could not for the life of me remember that secret ingredient. You really helped me out, Daphne, and…
- You animal! You insensitive piece of shit! Son of a…
- Daphne, I already told you I was sorry. You want me to grovel?
An insistent knock on the door. The old lady walks across the living room of the old house with difficulty, to open the door. As she opens it she sees a big man, almost twice her size, smiling at her expectantly.
-Auntie... he says.
-What?
-It's me, Auntie.
-You! she exclaims.
But then she realizes she doesn't know who he is.
-Who are you?
-Don't you recognize me, Auntie?
The old lady examines the man carefully. Then says:
-It can't be!
She stumbles backwards, afraid. She repetes:
-It can't be, it can't be!
She comes back to the door and says:
-It really can't be. He's dead. Who are you?
-Think about it, Auntie. You really liked me a lot.
-Yes?
-I was the most important thing in your life. You took care of me, fed me, bathed me...
-Yes, I'm starting to remember...
-One day I disappeared and never returned. But now I'm back.
-You're back. Oh, Rex!
-Rex?
-My dog, Rex. My little fluffy. My passion. You're back!
-No, Auntie. I'm not Rex.
-Then who are you?
-Auntie, get ready. I'm...Walter!
-No!
-Yes!
-NO!
-Yes, Auntie. Yes!
-I DON'T KNOW ANYONE NAMED WALTER!
-You're favorite nephew. You raised me. Try to remember, Auntie.
-I didn't raise no nephew. And definitely none named Walter.
-Are you sure?
-Certain of it. I've always lived here, alone.
-This isn't house 201?
-No. It's 2001.
-Damn. My bad. Look, I'm really sorry about this.
-It's ok.
The old lady shut the door. After a few seconds, there was another knock. She opened it. It was Walter.
-Listen... he said.
-What?
-You really never had a nephew by the name of Walter?
-Never.
-And... would you like one?
-Well...
-It's just that 201 is so far. Since you live alone...
-Ok, she agreed. Come in.
But she immediately warned him:
-I'm not bathing you, though.
Souza said of himself:
-I am the world's last romantic!
And he really was a rare breed. A gentleman. Women did not know how to respond to his advances. They were confused when Souza not only kissed their hands but said, "At your feet." Was he kidding?
But they liked it. It was different. They had to try hard not to laugh sometimes when Souza said something particularly clumsy about the color of their eyes, or when he compared their necks to marble towers. But what the hell, a compliment is a compliment, the specifics don't really matter. And many a girl surrended to Souza's old school charm. Then they said of Souza that he wasn't really after anything. He really just wanted to date, see a movie, get some ice cream. He was antique, a respectful young man.
Laura was beyond beautiful, and Souza, as soon as he met her, wrote a sonnet. Laura thought it was funny, made some comment or other, "Nice" or "Sweet," and forgot about it. Also because she did't know what to say to a man with oil in his hair, wearing a zoot suit.
Souza sent Laura flowers. A bouquet a day, everyday, along with an original sonnet. Written in green ink, "like my hope." But Laura would have none of it. She worked, went to school, wanted a degree in psychology; she had other things on her mind. This guy's so annoying, was her only reaction. Until Souza had an idea.
-A serenade!
His friends tried to talk him out of it.
-People don't do that anymore, Souza.
-I know. That's why it's going to work.
In no time Souza had gathered everything he needed: two guitars, a "cavaquinho", a flute and, on vocals, Nosso, a pharmacist.
The serenade was ready to be performed. There was just one problem. Laura lived on the eight floor, in the back. If he performed the serenade in the front of the building, he would wake up everyone in the front part and Laura wouldn't hear a thing. And behind the building, there was a freeway to deal with.
Souza and his group - two guitars, cavaquinho, flute and Nosso - explored the terrain. The freeway had one advantage. It was elevated up to the fourth floor, which would put them nearer to Laura's window, on the eighth. But they ran the risk of getting run over mid-serenade.
-What time are we doing this? asked Nosso.
-It's gotta be after midnight. There's no point otherwise.
-There won't be much traffic then, and if we do see a car, we'll have time to get out of the way.
-No, said Souza.
He couldn't permit Laura to see the group dispersed by some bus in the middle of the second verse. There was only one solution.
-We are going to have to do this from inside the building.
-What?
-Through the door. We go in, go up the elevator, and play in the hall, outside her door.
Nosso didn't like the idea. Hallway serenade; it didn't seem right. But, afterall, this was Souza's plan.
They met at the building's entrance at midnight. Souza noticed that Saraiva, one of the guitar players had a giant bag with him. What was that?
-My guitar is electric!
-Never fails. Where are we going to find an outlet?
The front door was locked. They would have to have someone buzz them in. Until they hit the right buttons, they heard a lot of complaints over the intercom. They finally got the right apartment. Laura asked what they wanted in a groggy, sleepy voice.
-Hit it! yelled Souza.
Over the intercom, Laura heard Nosso's singing, and then screaming.
-It's the cops! Easy there, take it easy... We aren't burgle...
Then shots. Then nothing. She went back to bed and told her boyfriend, a systems analyst, that it was probably a prank.
When she heard what happened, Laura felt she should go visit Souza at the hospital. The cops' bullet had gone right by his lung. When he saw Laura come in the room, Souza jumped up in bed and tripped on an IV while his friends watched in horror. He was taken back to bed. Laura apologized. And Souza, barely able to breathe, said:
-At your feet, at your feet.
He was incorrigible.
They bumped into each other, after thirty years, at a party. She smiled and said, "How are you?"
-You two know each other? asked the host.
He did not say, "We do know each other. In the biblical sense, in fact. She was the love of my life. I almost killed myself over her. I could drop dead right now. Oh, life, life."
He said:
-Yup.
-It's been ages, huh? she said.
He sat down next to her. He was overcome with emotion. He could barely say the words:
-Thirty years...
-Yeah, no kidding. I feel like an old lady.
And she added:
-Senile.
Funny. She had put on weight, of course. She had wrinkles. But what had really changed was her voice. Or had her voice always been like that? Impossible. He remembered everything about her. Everything. She was the love of his life. She was poking his arm.
-So, you're...
-What ever happened to you? I mean...
-Tell me about it. I'm a grandmother, did you know that?
-No!
He hadn't managed to hide the horror in his voice. But she took it as a compliment. She yelled, "Harold!", calling her husband who walked over with a smile on his face. She introduced him, "This is an old friend..." But she didn't say his name. My God, she forgot my name! She said to her husband:
-Show her a picture of little Gustavo.
And to him:
-You've gotta see how cute my grandson is.
Harold grabbed his wallet. She forgot my name. And I remember everything! The appendix scar. The apartment on Andre da Rocha. "I'll always love you!" Everything!
Harold took the picture out of his wallet. He took the picture. Little Gustavo looked at the camera through frightened eyes.
-Isn't he cute? she asked.
He gave Harold the picture and said:
-No.
-What do you mean, "No"?
-I don't think he's cute.
And he went off to find a glass of whiskey.